Socks & Stuff

Today, for the first time in a little while, I have completed a two part project. I have finally finished knitting my second sock so I now have a pair! In fact I was so excited that I finally finished that I've started another pair using wool half as thick and needles half as thin. I have a feeling I'm going to go blind trying to make this second pair, but it should be great if I get through them. The should be quite soft. I just hope I've got the tension right... I should probably knit a tension square...

Aside from that I also got stuck into my to-do list and have completed a couple of things, namely bill payment and general house keeping. There's still a bit to be done, and by a bit I mean heaps, but I've finally made a start.

I feel like I've been in a bit of a rut lately. My days have been spent oversleeping and watching more television than is healthy as opposed to my plan to spend some time reading. I guess it's got a little to do with the ease of knitting and watching tv as opposed to reading and knitting. It's a bit annoying when you have to turn the page... Even so, I need to get myself into gear and keep it up. I hate being this idle. I get all depressed. Too much time to think. Then again it's probably good for me. Argh! I can hear my brain holding this conversation all night...

"You're just trying to keep yourself busy so you don't have to think about anything or confront any issues..."
"What issues? I just like being busy so that I feel like my life is actually productive and has value"
"You're running away from life... there's a difference between living and experiencing and just blinkering yourself."
"Is that even a word? "Blinkering"?"
"That's not the point. You're avoiding the issues again."
"Again, I say, what issues? I'm not avoiding anything, I'm just easily distracted."

... and so forth. I do this far too often. I with I'd just come to a conclusion!

Len used to talk to me about balance. He said I needed to find a balance in my life and I agree. I just feel like everytime I finally seem to have things going well and "balanced" in my life, something happens or I discover that I was just deluding myself into thinking that I had balance. That whole something happening isn't my way of blaming the world/universe or anything. I have a nagging suspicion that I create that something. I've known for quite sometime that I get a bit bored with my life. I feel so boring. I've felt pretty boring (or more kindly termed "conservative") for most of my life. I don't really take chances as much as I used to. Somewhere along the lines I went from the kind of girl who gave everything at least one shot to the girl who wasn't sure about anything. Every now and then I like to "spice things up" but not in a positive way. I get argumentative, I get depressed, I let the little things get to me and then pick fights with people, I stir trouble socially, I tip the scales and let everything swing, swirl and spin until eventully I have several pressing problems. Then I get more depressed and the panic attacks start, I stop sleeping and then I slowly even things out again and life becomes good again.

This is not something I'm happy about. I'm glad that I can acknowledge the cycle exists. I'm not happy that I haven't been able to break it. It makes me wonder if there's some underlying issue at hand, or if I'm just thinking too hard and not living enough.

I worry too much about things. I just need to learn how to relax. I also need to remember that you can relax while doing things. It's been a bit hard to get out of bed lately. It's just so comfortable and warm in there. I love lounging in bed.

I also love having new experiences. I need to get out more and just do something.

At the moment I'm really enjoying swing dancing. It was GREAT to get out again last night and have a dance. We did some tandem dancing and I thought I was going crazy. My feet kept trying to do the opposite to what were were doing and I couldn't work out why. Then it was pointed out that when we go into lead/follow that I'll need to do the opposite footwork. Having only done lead/follow type dancing... that explained that! I still grin every time I think that Gene came and joined in. I'm so incredibly excited because it means that we'll be able to dance together. I'd really like that. He was great, despite his "I can't dance and tonight proved it" way of thinking. It's frustrating knowing that there's all these really cool things that can be done but knowing that it's going to be ages before you get to do it. He said that he'd love me to learn how to juggle clubs... I said I'd need to work on the juggling balls thing first... He agreed and said that once that was done then we could juggle together. I sort of brushed it aside, but just thinking about it, I should at least try. After all he has a vague interest in being able to dance with me and I have a vague fascination with juggling. I used to spent hours just watching him juggle instead of going to my lectures when we first met. I really should make an effort because I love him and I want to show him that. I always wonder sometimes about "signals" in relationships. Any relationship be it friends, acquaintances or something more, but I'll save that thought for another day.