I'm Beginning to See the Light

Today was just one of those days. It's hard to tell whether it was just my disinclination (if that's a word) to get out of bed this morning that just set the tone for the rest of the day, or whether it was always destined to turn out the way it did.

It wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't great either. One of those non-days really!

I had the client double-jack with me today at work and I was having a rather rotten dialing day. Too many wrong numbers to make it feel good! The pasta was good at work though. I was originally going to make food tonight for work tomorrow but I forgot and just had steak and vegies instead. I'm defrosting some mince so that I can make either pasta sauce or chilli con carne tomorrow... I haven't decided yet!

Swing dancing was good tonight although I missed Gene immensely when social dancing started. I stayed for a short while, had a dance with a couple of the guys there and then headed home. I just don't feel like myself today!

For that matter, I haven't really been myself for at least a week. I'm getting quite insular. I can feel myself sliding into a secluded world where I start to wallow in my own thoughts. It's not good! Thinking can be good... wallowing is less good. I am starting to get a bit better though. I'm happy that I can at least recognise that I'm getting in a bad way and I am making and effort to halt the downward spiral.

My eyes are dim, but I can see... but I have not got my specs with me... on that note I end.

There's No Place Like Home

Typical that the one day that I needed to jump on City Link the freeway was closed... I ended up running late because I didn't know about the detour until after I'd left. Mum and Dad looked pretty excited to see me and I think my grandparents were just tired given that it was 3am. We managed to get home at about 4am and then spent the next hour talking tiredly about the trip. I got given my new phone and mp3 player but was so tired I couldn't remember the PIN on my phone...

Having gotten to bed at 5am... I decided to wake up at 8:45am to play with my new phone. It's a Sony Ericsson K508i which is the first non-Nokia phone I've used. Aside from the rather strange predictive text (the space key is in a different place) it's really good. I still can't recognise my ring tones though... I'll have to work on that!

Mum and Dad brought back a whole heap of fascinating things to play with... like the papyrus note paper that I can was and reuse... the distilled oils for helping with stomach problems and pure perfumes. Mum also got me some great earrings. Dad came back with some great t-shirts too from The Esplanade. They've also got some great photos from the trip which I'm looking forward to seeing.

It's good to be back in my own place. Gene and I have made an effort to settle back in here after moving all our stuff back from Mum & Dad's place.

Today I attacked the hedges in the courtyard with the new hedge clippers... they're shockingly blunt... I should have remembered to spend a little more on them... would have saved my arms a bit! We're going to need to jump up on the fence to cut the front and top of the hedge too... I did't do too badly... It's my first time cutting a hedge and I'm hoping that I didn't do too badly by the plants! There was this rather annoying creeper though that's grown... I should pull that out... it just tangles into the hedge making it hard to trim. I don't think it's meant to be there.

I should be at a going away party tonight. Gene cooked a deliciously large steak for dinner tonight and we ate until we were bursting (not a smart move) and then I ended up falling asleep. I'm still feeling rather groggy and tired from the hedge cutting. I think I'll spend some time going through more of the stuff in boxes/bags. We have patches of floor that aren't covered in boxes in our room... it's getting better. Gene's supreme effort has reclaimed some of our floor back. We hope to have conquered the carpet space again in a month's time at latest.

Paperwork, here I come.

The Yellow Brick Road

Wow. I can't believe how down I've been getting in the last week. I've been grumpy most days and it only picks up slightly every now and then. I don't think it's work either. It's this feeling of being housebound. I hate it!

I just want to get back to my place where I can just walk down the road and see people. Or jump on my bike and head to the park or to the city. I want to be able to come home and know that I'm in my own home and everything I want is there and not have to worry about having to cart it around with me, just in case...

The first couple of weeks were good and I've really enjoyed watching TV at home... I've been able to gorge myself on "Will & Grace" for the last few weeks. I'll miss that! The dogs are a little too jumpy for my liking... or more accurately their claws are just so long! I'd trim them but I'm not particularly good with that and I'd probably just cause them pain... I remember Ziggy had a fear of nail clippers for good reason.

I'm really loving the cable internet and I'll definitely miss that more than anything else! It's great to be able to just jump on whenever I want to and be able to get everything I need quickly. I just feel more efficient :)

It's not long to go now though. Just a few more days.

I think the carnival is over. I'm ready to return to Kansas.

Short, but not necessarily sweet

I am exhausted.

I had a good day today though. Work was good and the new computer that I'm working on for at least this week is great. It really improved my day. Swing was also good. We covered quite a bit of ground today for our first lesson back there... or at least it felt like we did quite a lot. I stayed for social dancing too although Gene left early.

Dinner involved Nepalese food, although I'm doubtful that there are many traditional Nepalese seafood dishes, the food was tasty. I was feeling full about an hour ago, but I'm hungry again, which is unfortunate as I'm dog tired and about to head to bed...

My mind is willing but the flesh is weak so I'm going to have to fulfil my urge to write tomorrow when I'm more awake.

More Swinging

I had a good day today, but for some reason I'm rather grumpy. I didn't really notice it until I was driving and the people trying to overtake me on the left from the bike lane really got to me. Maybe I'm more tired that I'm letting myself believe.

At the moment I'm content to blame it on having to start work again tomorrow. I'm shifting back into reality and I'm not liking it! I'm missing my city lifestyle more and more each day as I shift back into my usual lifestyle. The only difference being I'm now living a forty minute drive from where I need to be as opposed to a fifteen minute bike/tram ride. Not long to go now...

I ended up heading back into town today to catch up with Gene and Claire to go to Summer in the Park at the Fitzroy Gardens. It was good fun and the free lesson was the same as yesterday's so it was like a quick revision. The uneven ground was a bit different, but it was great to watch all the Swing Patrol's dancers when they performed! Gene's really keen on improving so that he can learn to do aerial work. There's a particular favourite of his where the follow goes over the lead's shoulder. So we're going to another class tomorrow - I'll be sprinting from work - and then there's a second class on Thursday at a different place.

It's a bit like the Speigeltent left our lives and I've replaced it with swing dancing... I guess the music's pretty similar. I'm just more sober at the swing dancing but having an equally good time!

My eyes are tired and I've got no idea where my glasses are. I can only assume they're in Brunswick. I'll have to get back there early tomorrow and have a good hunt.

On that note, I'm off again, hopefully to sleep. If not I'll keep reading "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night" by Mark Haddon. It's proving quite an interesting read! Lighter reading than "Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell" by Susanna Clark which I'm also quite enjoying at the moment. Highly recommend both books!

I want to break free

Well last night was fantastic!

It's the first night of virtual freedom in close to a month and I'm aching to go back for some more! I headed into town to meet up with Gene and ended up finding him at the shops browsing various bike paraphernalia. We ended up going back to the bike shop that we bought our bikes at, looking at everything we had decided we wanted and then making a note of it for a couple of weeks time when we take our bikes in to service. We made a quick stop at the supermarket before heading to the Zoo for a bit of twilight jazz. All in all there was much drinking and fun! Lisa and Naomi came along and had a bit of a dance with us during the swing lesson and they're now coming to class on Thursday which is great! I like my swing dancing at the moment... it's currently my creative outlet.

After all that we went and drank jugs at The Retreat before heading home at about 2am. I've had about four hours sleep so far, for some reason I couldn't sleep so I came back to Mum & Dad's and fed the dogs, and now I'm contemplating a nap vs a shower...

Another week and a half to go and then I'm free again...

Socks & Stuff

Today, for the first time in a little while, I have completed a two part project. I have finally finished knitting my second sock so I now have a pair! In fact I was so excited that I finally finished that I've started another pair using wool half as thick and needles half as thin. I have a feeling I'm going to go blind trying to make this second pair, but it should be great if I get through them. The should be quite soft. I just hope I've got the tension right... I should probably knit a tension square...

Aside from that I also got stuck into my to-do list and have completed a couple of things, namely bill payment and general house keeping. There's still a bit to be done, and by a bit I mean heaps, but I've finally made a start.

I feel like I've been in a bit of a rut lately. My days have been spent oversleeping and watching more television than is healthy as opposed to my plan to spend some time reading. I guess it's got a little to do with the ease of knitting and watching tv as opposed to reading and knitting. It's a bit annoying when you have to turn the page... Even so, I need to get myself into gear and keep it up. I hate being this idle. I get all depressed. Too much time to think. Then again it's probably good for me. Argh! I can hear my brain holding this conversation all night...

"You're just trying to keep yourself busy so you don't have to think about anything or confront any issues..."
"What issues? I just like being busy so that I feel like my life is actually productive and has value"
"You're running away from life... there's a difference between living and experiencing and just blinkering yourself."
"Is that even a word? "Blinkering"?"
"That's not the point. You're avoiding the issues again."
"Again, I say, what issues? I'm not avoiding anything, I'm just easily distracted."

... and so forth. I do this far too often. I with I'd just come to a conclusion!

Len used to talk to me about balance. He said I needed to find a balance in my life and I agree. I just feel like everytime I finally seem to have things going well and "balanced" in my life, something happens or I discover that I was just deluding myself into thinking that I had balance. That whole something happening isn't my way of blaming the world/universe or anything. I have a nagging suspicion that I create that something. I've known for quite sometime that I get a bit bored with my life. I feel so boring. I've felt pretty boring (or more kindly termed "conservative") for most of my life. I don't really take chances as much as I used to. Somewhere along the lines I went from the kind of girl who gave everything at least one shot to the girl who wasn't sure about anything. Every now and then I like to "spice things up" but not in a positive way. I get argumentative, I get depressed, I let the little things get to me and then pick fights with people, I stir trouble socially, I tip the scales and let everything swing, swirl and spin until eventully I have several pressing problems. Then I get more depressed and the panic attacks start, I stop sleeping and then I slowly even things out again and life becomes good again.

This is not something I'm happy about. I'm glad that I can acknowledge the cycle exists. I'm not happy that I haven't been able to break it. It makes me wonder if there's some underlying issue at hand, or if I'm just thinking too hard and not living enough.

I worry too much about things. I just need to learn how to relax. I also need to remember that you can relax while doing things. It's been a bit hard to get out of bed lately. It's just so comfortable and warm in there. I love lounging in bed.

I also love having new experiences. I need to get out more and just do something.

At the moment I'm really enjoying swing dancing. It was GREAT to get out again last night and have a dance. We did some tandem dancing and I thought I was going crazy. My feet kept trying to do the opposite to what were were doing and I couldn't work out why. Then it was pointed out that when we go into lead/follow that I'll need to do the opposite footwork. Having only done lead/follow type dancing... that explained that! I still grin every time I think that Gene came and joined in. I'm so incredibly excited because it means that we'll be able to dance together. I'd really like that. He was great, despite his "I can't dance and tonight proved it" way of thinking. It's frustrating knowing that there's all these really cool things that can be done but knowing that it's going to be ages before you get to do it. He said that he'd love me to learn how to juggle clubs... I said I'd need to work on the juggling balls thing first... He agreed and said that once that was done then we could juggle together. I sort of brushed it aside, but just thinking about it, I should at least try. After all he has a vague interest in being able to dance with me and I have a vague fascination with juggling. I used to spent hours just watching him juggle instead of going to my lectures when we first met. I really should make an effort because I love him and I want to show him that. I always wonder sometimes about "signals" in relationships. Any relationship be it friends, acquaintances or something more, but I'll save that thought for another day.

The Cheshire Cat

I stepped out of the shower this morning (yes that's right morning... but we'll get to that later) and I thought to myself "it sounds like there's someone in our front yard mowing the lawn". I quickly dismissed that thought as I'm the only one here at the moment and I'm not even sure if have a lawn mower... I know we used to but it's been a while since I've had to think about that. I ambled my way to my bedroom and as I passed the window I looked down to discover that there actually WAS someone in the front yard mowing the lawn. Needless to say I moved significantly faster having made that discovery.

Well, the guy who I can only assume is our gardener (which is news to me) eventually finished up and left. Again I'm assuming there'll be an invoice in the letter box but you know what they say about assumptions.

Now, morning. It's the first time in a while that I've actually gotten up in the morning... excluding the brief trips downstairs to let the dogs out and give them breakfast (I swear they get more regular meals than me or anyone else in my family). I usually trot back upstairs and hop back into bed with a book or some knitting.

Speaking of knitting I'm going great guns at the moment with it. I'm now just under halfway through the sock. I'm a centimetre off starting the heel. Hopefully I'll have managed to finish it by the end of the week.

I can't believe I'm starting work again. Part of me is looking forward to it - the routine will be good for me - the other part is rightly thinking I need to start working out where to apply for theatre work.

I'm pretty excited at the moment. I'm going into the city for the first time in three weeks and I'm very much looking forward to it. If I leave soon I have time to get a train to our place in Brunswick to pick up some shoes and jeans for Gene (he he he, that rhymes) and then ride into meet him so that he can change. Then we're heading to Spleen for drinks and then swing dancing. Yay! Other cause for excitement is that this will be Gene's first swing class and I'm stoked that he's actually coming. Call me the Cheshire Cat today :)

Ponderings

I've come to realise that I have a problem finishing things. It wasn't always like this... previously I just preferred the last minute adrenalin... now I just lack the motivation. This is a problem.

So to combat that, aside from my to-do lists which I was too slack to write out yesterday, I've decided that I'm going to start finishing my knitting projects. It's baby steps... but I'm finishing the other sock to make up the pair that I started awhile ago - make that a month at least. At the moment I have one and an eighth of a pair of socks.

I'm trying to work out if I'll keep my rug project as scrap materials or just do some plain squares to make up the bulk... or to go with Gene's idea of random sized squares put together like a jigsaw puzzle. Gene's idea's appealing I must admit! It'd look different and I think it'd be great. Besides it'd be even less restrictive because I could play with the different square patterns. I'll work on it.

Sometimes I wonder what's changed in me. I loved being busy, deep down I still do... but I don't know... I seem to have lost my proverbial spark and I'm a little lost as to how to find it again. I need to learn how to inspire myself and find inspiration in the little things around me. As I keep saying, there's so much out there and so many stories to tell.

Maybe that's it. There's so much out there and so many choices and options that I'm not sure where to start. I was never good with the big decisions. I'm always afraid of making the wrong choice. It's worse not to decide because then you'll never find out what could have been and you'll be static.

Knitting, Shopping & Resolve

So much for my daily writing resolution! I spent more time in the last two days trying to find my notebook that I usually write in during the day that I didn't get much time to write here.

Yesterday was a fabulous day. In fact, the last two days have been fabulous. Yesterday was a lazy sleep-in and then Gene cooked lunch - wonton noodles with egg and beef balls - before we did some laundry. We spent the afternoon riding to the hills and back, which only took three hours (return) and it was great! I haven't been on that track for about ten years. They've extended the track since I was last there so it takes you almost all the way into the hills. We ended up turning back a kilometre after the road turned to gravel. Once we got home we had some dinner and then spent the evening watching the "Will & Grace" marathon that's been on cable over the last three days.

Today we got up a bit earlier and then went shopping. It was a pretty good day for both of us. Gene was really supportive in the craft shop! He even had a flick through one of the books, but I think that was more out of boredom than interest! We also looked at some linen, but it was a tad dear... so I'll be saving up for that. I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to get new linen for our bed. Maybe my nesting insticts are flaring up again... After that we went tool shopping at the hardware store and Gene bought us some shifters (pretty black ones with special heads that help to protect the nuts!) and a door handle to fix the one on the bathroom door (that fell off a few days ago, just before we had friends over!). Having done all the necessary shopping we went to the shopping centre and ended up buying some clothes and a couple of toys. Then we came home and Gene fixed the door (he was quite excited about doing so) and I tried on some of the new clothes. After that we spent some QT together and then he had to head back to our house so he can get a decent night's sleep before heading to work tomorrow.

I've discovered a new knitting technique, double knitting and I have a vague understanding but I'm having trouble finding instructions. I may have to go back to the shop and just buy the book that I saw... I think it's half price anyhow... but it'd make for much warmer garments.

There are so many things that I want to knit at the moment! I just got a couple of pattern books today and I've also found some patterns for some really cool capes and ponchos... with hoods! Plenty to keep me occupied tomorrow. Not to mention the whole having to re-do my resumé and I should look at the production schedule for the two shows planned for the first half of the year.

In fact, I might make a start on my to-do list now.

Only Happy When It Rains

I seem to have missed out on another bright sunshiny day. I'm feeling a little under the weather today, it seems to have something in common with warm weather really... My throat is feeling particularly constricted and parched and I can't seem to rid myself of the cotton wool in my brain.

New Year's Day at the beach was good if a little tense at points. Large groups of people can be hard to co-ordinate without anyone taking leadership. It wasn't the warmest of days to be at the beach which worked out well for us. I didn't end up getting into the water for once - namely my feet are still being difficult - but I spent the afternoon lazing in the semi-cloud-covered sun. I still haven't gotten all the sand off. The bbq was delicious with the steaks cooked to perfection. We ended up going to Dot's place to eat and there was quite a large number of us. Most of Gene's close family were there and it was great to see them all. Will probably be doing the same again soon for Chinese New Year depending on what happens with my family. It's hard to tell because they tend to do things at the last minute... I'm likely to get a call the Monday before stating that as I'm aware Chinese New Year is on the 9th Feb so I am coming to the dinner right? They wonder why I have trouble coming to dinners...

Well, I can't ignore the other things I need to do today, like cleaning... I'm missing our lovely two bedroom place at the moment... this four bedroom house thing is just a bit too big for me to cope with! Only 16 days to go...

The circle game

A happy New Year to one and all!

Bedding arrangements have been made and everyone has all the bedding they need and or want. Everyone's now tucked away in bed, with the exception of myself (being the night owl that I am), and hopefully on their way to some pleasant dreams.

There's nothing better than having a group of your nearest and dearest friends around for a night of drinks, conversation and a good meal. That's the kind of festive celebration that I love.

Apparently friends are the new family (incidentally I dislike that phrase immensely, "insert random subject matter is the new other random subject matter", I can't pin point exactly why, but it bothers me). I'd be happy to agree with that really. I do spend more time with my friends than my family and they are generally the first port of call for support. I love my friends dearly and wish I could have spent some time with all my friends tonight, but it simply wasn't possible.

I had a fantastic time this year and I hope everyone else did too.

I must admit that I do wonder why we celebrate the start of a New Year. There must be some sort of history there...

A quick search on the Web has turned up a site that states that it is the oldeest of the holidays celebrated and is 4,000 years old. It used to celebrate the first day of Spring from what I gather, but due to the changing of our calendars over the years and various religious debates, our celebrations have changed from an eleven day festival to a one night celebration.

Tomorrow will see some time at the beach which is not a bad way to start the year really. Life's looking pretty rosy at the moment! Let's see what the new year brings...