Happy Birthday Mum

I'm sitting here wondering what to write for Mum's birthday card. Something that not only expresses how much I love her but how incredibly lucky I feel to be her daughter. The thing is, I don't think that it's quite sunk in that she's in remission and quite possibly going to be okay. Just eight months ago, we were told that her cancer was to be incurable. We were going to have to wait and see if we could prolong her life after 18 months of treatment. I can't speak for Mum or Dad, but for me the last 8 months has passed both quickly and painfully slowly. Having looked into the general statistics for pancreatic cancer patients, the odds weren't looking good. Less than 1% of patients go into long term remission.

So here we are. Full radiological and biological remission.

Amazingly good news and funnily enough I'm still having to tell myself to just breathe.

I started to look at my posts from when we first found out that Mum had pancreatic cancer. Sure that I would find some poignant or inspired words from the time as I never shared those with Mum at the time. Reading posts from the two blogs that I write, I found myself in tears. The emotions are still raw. I suppose I've been spending the last eight months trying to live from day to day and not think, not to feel. I almost lost my Mum last year. If she'd been like many pancreatic patients then she would have most likely passed away around September. I still can't find the words to say how I feel now that the outcome is what we'd been hoping for.

It would seem that I'm still lost for words. So I think, for Mum's birthday, I'm going to say:

Happy Birthday Mum. Thank you for staying positive and fighting against the odds. Thank you for ironing my dress for me before the party even when you were tired because you knew I'd do a terrible job and take twice as long doing so. Thank you for holding me and telling me it was going to be okay when we found out you had cancer and when we found out you were in remission. You truly are an inspiration and you handle what life brings you with grace and poise. I love you. Thank you.

Nothing Compares

Nothing in my 24 years of life could have prepared me for the news that my Mum's cancer is incurable. Not even my GP telling me that treatment was more likely to prolong her life than cure the cancer. Still to her credit she's still remaining positive and is ready to step up to the challenges that the treatment will set for her. To say that Mum is a strong woman would be an understatement beyond compare.

When I called Dad and he told me the news I was standing in my new bedroom watching a gecko scampering across the wall. I nodded and asked the questions that I wanted to ask and then he had to go. One minute later it hit me. A sudden feeling of being completely lost in the world. Not knowing what to do, who to call or how to breathe. It lasted for a brief moment before I realized that there is nothing I could do except to be there for Mum. The hardest thing for me (being the control freak that I am), is knowing there is nothing that I can do to fix this.

Luckily I remembered how to breathe and with that all-important knowledge remembered who to call. I deliberated calling home again as I didn’t want to disturb her rest. After all the phone was bound to be running hot tonight in the wake of the latest news. I called anyway figuring that I had special dispensation (being her daughter) for interrupting rest. I’m glad that I did because she seems to be having one of her better nights where she’s not feeling exhausted or dizzy. Just hearing her voice and hearing her describe her first thoughts (what am I going to do with all my wool and beads?) after mishearing the oncologist and thinking that she only had 18 months to live (as opposed to finding out the results of the treatment in 18 months which I believe is what he said).

Hearing her voice and hearing her talk was wonderful. For just a moment I was just on the phone having a chat with my Mum like I always do when I’m away. For ten minutes life seemed normal again.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed trying to remember what I was originally going to write. After all I’ve been in Darwin for 33 hours now and it’s a wonderful place.

The house I’m staying in is just amazing. The gardens are large and beautiful with a fabulous array of lizards of varying sizes. There are plenty of windows in each room letting the sunlight and fresh air circulate through the house. I’m staying in a quiet street that’s a mere 1.5 km from the city centre and it takes me just fifteen minutes to walk to work at a comfortable pace.

I had my first day at work today which is always exciting. It started with a staff meeting which is always a great way to start. It means you get to meet everyone and get an idea of what’s going on and where you’re at even if none of it makes much sense yet. It always feels a little slow settling in but I had a good time reading through the documents from last year and getting a feel for the information that I’ll need to gather in the coming weeks.
We ate our lunch in the Botanic Gardens where I managed to find my favourite tree from Singapore. (I’d just like to clarify that I don’t actually know where the tree originates from but Singapore is the first place that I encountered the tree). It’s a big leafy tree that has red seeds about the size of a pea. I used to go to St Andrew’s Cathedral in Singapore and collect the seeds with my Mum and she’d make them into tiny bean bags (about the size of the small high bouncing rubber balls you used to get in news agencies). Then we’d play five-stone (jacks) with them until it was time to come back to Australia where we couldn’t bring them.

So all in all there are plenty of things about my first day and night in Darwin that have been really wonderful and my brief experience of Darwin has been really positive. I think it’s a great place and will rave about it as much as I planned another day.

Tonight, I’m just not in the right frame of mind for it. I’m just going to have a quiet night so that I’m well rested for tomorrow.

I’m also going to continue to curse the fact that I forgot that I didn’t have a modem and as such have no internet access at home so this will have to wait until tomorrow to be posted.

This is a much longer post than I’d planned to write. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. It’s been really good to get these thoughts onto a page (and a half).

Many thanks!

Just Breathe

Mum didn't come home tonight. Her blood sugar levels are refusing to get off their roller coaster so her surgeon wanted to keep her in for observation. She's in good spirits though all things considered.

The good news is that they only had to do the biopsy once today to get the tissue they needed. We even have results. They're less good but at least we know, the tissue is cancerous. I think Mum will be seeing the oncologist tomorrow to discuss treatment options. Mum called to let us know just after 9pm. Dad's at the hospital with her now and I'm at home doing a call around, manning the phone, minding the dogs and just breathing.

Sarah shall sleep no more!

Apparently I'm doomed to not sleep through the night for a while. For the last week I haven't slept through an entire night, but keep waking every two hours, three if I'm lucky. I'm tired and I just can't seem to get enough sleep.

It is giving me a great amount of reading time though. I'm coasting through Ilium at the moment and I really want all my myth/legend loving friends to read it. In fact all my literary friends... I think they'd really enjoy it! I'm loving the ideas that are coming through the novel and the story's fantastic to boot. It's making the sleepless nights more pleasant in some ways.

I discovered shortly after yesterday's post that I miscalculated on the wool front, turns out I only needed ten balls of wool so I picked them up today. I've got one ninth of the rug crocheted together and about half the squares I need. I just need to finish another square and I've got two rows (two ninths of the rug in a near finished state). I'd take a picture and post it but I'm too lazy.

Picked up my now good-as-new boots today. Apparently I'd broken the metal shanks that were supporting the arch of my foot with the heel and that's why they were wobbling a bit. Also turns out that the heels were falling off. Anyhow $80 later I have lovely to walk in boots again. The shoe repair guy suggested getting new shoes but I explained to him that I have rather small feet and shoes are hard to come by. The guy who I picked up the shoes from agreed with me and suggested that I should buy shoes overseas. It sucks being small sometimes! Kids shoes don't last and adult shoes don't fit. Oh well, at least I have shoes... well boots...

I'm slowly getting over my fear of shoe repair guys after the last nasty experience with a shoe repair guy (hereafter referred to as SRG) which ended with me having a chat with the police about him. I didn't freak out or have to bring Gene along with me. I even went to two different shoe repair places and conversed with one of them! Apparently my boots needed specialist attention. I'm still nervous that the same nasty SRG will suddenly appear behind the counter of the place I'm getting my shoes fixed at. Well not suddenly as much as appear... but I just don't want to see him ever again. So I guess it will take time before I'm not nervous at all around SRGs but it's a start.

The house is still relatively clean. Only some dishes to do that I should really be getting to except that we're leaving for Geelong soon. We've got a party tonight and I've got some nice new stockings that I'm fairly sure Gene will approve of... it's just a question of fish nets or sheer stockings. I wonder which he'll choose?