I've avoided writing a new post for awhile now. Largely because I had nothing to say. I have no words to describe the events of the past twenty months, nor do I feel an urge to find them.
There are still days when I wake up thinking I've heard my Mum calling me. It happened the day she died and a couple of times since. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I heard her asking me questions that I can't remember anymore. It leaves me unsettled and a little melancholy. I'm okay with that even if it does make me feel like I might be just that little bit crazier than I thought. I figure it's because I'm still grieving. I never really expect it to go away. The sadness that is. All I hope is that like the ends of the relationships I've experienced so far, the heartache will dull and at some point turn into something that is a pleasure to remember instead of bittersweet.
It's Mum's birthday in nine days and I suspect the next few weeks will be hard. I'm trying to find a balance between the memories and remembering to still experience the present. It's a struggle but I think I can get there, where ever that might be.
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5 comments:
Oh Sarah, such a terribly hard thing to go through. I hope that the place where you can think back with happiness comes soon, when you're ready. I hope your dad is okay and that together your gettin' through.
Sara
*hug* The sadness doesn't go away, but it becomes less intrusive. And those moments you're describing, they keep happening. I tend to get them in dreams, and I wake up feeling as if my mum has just been there. Sometimes it takes a little while to locate the grain of wrongness in that sense. It's the most startling, heartbreaking, comforting feeling. It means she never disappears. And neither will yours. xxx
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