Nothing Compares

Nothing in my 24 years of life could have prepared me for the news that my Mum's cancer is incurable. Not even my GP telling me that treatment was more likely to prolong her life than cure the cancer. Still to her credit she's still remaining positive and is ready to step up to the challenges that the treatment will set for her. To say that Mum is a strong woman would be an understatement beyond compare.

When I called Dad and he told me the news I was standing in my new bedroom watching a gecko scampering across the wall. I nodded and asked the questions that I wanted to ask and then he had to go. One minute later it hit me. A sudden feeling of being completely lost in the world. Not knowing what to do, who to call or how to breathe. It lasted for a brief moment before I realized that there is nothing I could do except to be there for Mum. The hardest thing for me (being the control freak that I am), is knowing there is nothing that I can do to fix this.

Luckily I remembered how to breathe and with that all-important knowledge remembered who to call. I deliberated calling home again as I didn’t want to disturb her rest. After all the phone was bound to be running hot tonight in the wake of the latest news. I called anyway figuring that I had special dispensation (being her daughter) for interrupting rest. I’m glad that I did because she seems to be having one of her better nights where she’s not feeling exhausted or dizzy. Just hearing her voice and hearing her describe her first thoughts (what am I going to do with all my wool and beads?) after mishearing the oncologist and thinking that she only had 18 months to live (as opposed to finding out the results of the treatment in 18 months which I believe is what he said).

Hearing her voice and hearing her talk was wonderful. For just a moment I was just on the phone having a chat with my Mum like I always do when I’m away. For ten minutes life seemed normal again.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed trying to remember what I was originally going to write. After all I’ve been in Darwin for 33 hours now and it’s a wonderful place.

The house I’m staying in is just amazing. The gardens are large and beautiful with a fabulous array of lizards of varying sizes. There are plenty of windows in each room letting the sunlight and fresh air circulate through the house. I’m staying in a quiet street that’s a mere 1.5 km from the city centre and it takes me just fifteen minutes to walk to work at a comfortable pace.

I had my first day at work today which is always exciting. It started with a staff meeting which is always a great way to start. It means you get to meet everyone and get an idea of what’s going on and where you’re at even if none of it makes much sense yet. It always feels a little slow settling in but I had a good time reading through the documents from last year and getting a feel for the information that I’ll need to gather in the coming weeks.
We ate our lunch in the Botanic Gardens where I managed to find my favourite tree from Singapore. (I’d just like to clarify that I don’t actually know where the tree originates from but Singapore is the first place that I encountered the tree). It’s a big leafy tree that has red seeds about the size of a pea. I used to go to St Andrew’s Cathedral in Singapore and collect the seeds with my Mum and she’d make them into tiny bean bags (about the size of the small high bouncing rubber balls you used to get in news agencies). Then we’d play five-stone (jacks) with them until it was time to come back to Australia where we couldn’t bring them.

So all in all there are plenty of things about my first day and night in Darwin that have been really wonderful and my brief experience of Darwin has been really positive. I think it’s a great place and will rave about it as much as I planned another day.

Tonight, I’m just not in the right frame of mind for it. I’m just going to have a quiet night so that I’m well rested for tomorrow.

I’m also going to continue to curse the fact that I forgot that I didn’t have a modem and as such have no internet access at home so this will have to wait until tomorrow to be posted.

This is a much longer post than I’d planned to write. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. It’s been really good to get these thoughts onto a page (and a half).

Many thanks!