Happy Birthday Mum

I'm sitting here wondering what to write for Mum's birthday card. Something that not only expresses how much I love her but how incredibly lucky I feel to be her daughter. The thing is, I don't think that it's quite sunk in that she's in remission and quite possibly going to be okay. Just eight months ago, we were told that her cancer was to be incurable. We were going to have to wait and see if we could prolong her life after 18 months of treatment. I can't speak for Mum or Dad, but for me the last 8 months has passed both quickly and painfully slowly. Having looked into the general statistics for pancreatic cancer patients, the odds weren't looking good. Less than 1% of patients go into long term remission.

So here we are. Full radiological and biological remission.

Amazingly good news and funnily enough I'm still having to tell myself to just breathe.

I started to look at my posts from when we first found out that Mum had pancreatic cancer. Sure that I would find some poignant or inspired words from the time as I never shared those with Mum at the time. Reading posts from the two blogs that I write, I found myself in tears. The emotions are still raw. I suppose I've been spending the last eight months trying to live from day to day and not think, not to feel. I almost lost my Mum last year. If she'd been like many pancreatic patients then she would have most likely passed away around September. I still can't find the words to say how I feel now that the outcome is what we'd been hoping for.

It would seem that I'm still lost for words. So I think, for Mum's birthday, I'm going to say:

Happy Birthday Mum. Thank you for staying positive and fighting against the odds. Thank you for ironing my dress for me before the party even when you were tired because you knew I'd do a terrible job and take twice as long doing so. Thank you for holding me and telling me it was going to be okay when we found out you had cancer and when we found out you were in remission. You truly are an inspiration and you handle what life brings you with grace and poise. I love you. Thank you.

:)

Mum's in remission. There's no cancer left in her body.
Words cannot express how I feel right now.

:)

Dreams

I was up early this morning to drop Dad off at the station. It was nice to be able to return the favour. It was also good to get out of bed at what is a normal hour for most. Particularly as I'll be needing to be up early for work on Thursday.

The sleeping tablet worked a treat and I managed to sleep uninterrupted through the night although I was a little groggy during the day. I've been told that should pass. It was good to sleep although my dreams were fairly vivid and strangely realistic. I seem to recall a need for a new notebook but have no idea why. I figured it must have been part of my dream. What I do remember from my dreams was waking up in my grandparents' living room - where it seems I was sleeping on the floor. I had to start a new job that day and I was looking forward to it. I got dressed and then I realised that I was in the wrong clothes, I couldn't wear jeans and a t-shirt to work. I had to be in corporate attire. The casual workplace was a thing of my past and not real for me anymore. I woke up then. I felt a bit sad after that dream.

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing and I love what I do. I always have. I suppose I worry that I'm getting lost at the moment.

Too much time on my hands. Too much thinking.

I wonder what tonight's dreams will bring

Playing Catch Up

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote and although I've been meaning to write (and have often gotten as far as opening up the "create post" page), I just haven't found the words. I'm feeling a little despondent at the moment. Well, more than a little. Nick mentioned the Korean term Han to me yesterday and I think that combined with an overwhelming sense of ennui would be an apt description of how I'm feeling.

Anyhow. It's been a couple of weeks and since then Mum's come out of hospital and is going for a PET scan today to make sure that there's no cancer left. She has to go to a hospital in Moorabin for the scan.

Moorabin is where I flew a helicopter last Monday. (What a segue way!) Which was amazingly fun and I'd really like to do it again some time. Perhaps when I've stopped working in the crazy profession that I seem to have chosen? Who knows, but I was lucky enough to have a great instructor who took me up to the training airspace and once I was a little less wobbly with the controls he directed me from Carrum back towards Melbourne's CBD along the beach en route to the airport. Many thanks to Lisa & Dave for the opportunity to fly!

Stepping back a week, I finished up work on Summer Fun in the City with Set Sail which was a great three day event where people could book in for free sailing lessons. There's nothing quite as special as seeing a nervous five year old come back from the water all excited because they sailed a small two person boat! We were even lucky enough to try it out after the last group on the Wednesday. A perfect time to be sailing as some of the Sydney to Hobart yachts were still moored down at the Docklands.

A brief trip to Sydney to say hi to Tamsin at the opening night of Carmen and generally get away from Melbourne for a couple of days and I was back to watch the ladies finals of the Australian Open. Good grief it was hot! Good match though and there's nothing quite like the atmosphere in a stadium - or talking to the random people sitting next to you. I really should see more live entertainment...

Our family were down for the weekend and while I had every intention of taking my cousins to check out Australia Day celebrations we settled for Sing Star instead. Did I mention I should see more live entertainment...?

Which brings me back to the week that's just passed. Not much else to report. Had a small operation to remove and replace the implant in my left arm. I'm rather pathetic when it comes to needles and the local anaesthetic hurt more than the scalpel going in (and that was before we had to reapply the anaesthtic which for some reason hadn't taken).

Sunday was Dad's birthday so we had a feast at our place. Roast beef for 11, one baked fish (with lime and ginger), many many roasted veggies, a freshly baked loaf of bread and a sweet potato & green bean salad (with sweet chilli & balsamic vinegar dressing). Dessert was a stack of profiteroles (Dad's new favourite baked good) and a plum & nectarine crumble (made from the fruits from our backyard!). Given the number of profiteroles and cake that I've eaten in the last two days I should really stop writing and go for a VERY long walk.

Besides, it may help me sleep and perhaps think less... which would be nice. :)

End of a Fairytale Season

Today was the last day of the show I've been working on for Summer Fun in the City, Fairy Factor. It was looking pretty grim for our first show of the day as it was raining incessantly until 9:30am when paused long enough for us to set up the show on the stage that's normally used for Twilight Rhythms. I'm glad we did because despite the inclement weather we still had over 100 people show up to brave the weather. Happily for all it didn't rain at all. In fact it cleared up to a bright sunny day with cloudy patches. By the time we finished our second show for the day and final for the season it was quite muggy!

Sadly Mum had to go back to the hospital today as she's been feeling rather under the weather and started to develop a high fever (the only lucid memory she has from this morning is telling Dad she didn't want to go to the hospital). She's doing much better, although she's feeling very fatigued. Her temperature is down which is the important thing. Now we just need to work out where the infection is. Hopefully she'll be home in a few days.

Anyhow it's almost bed time. Just a couple of job applications to write and then early bedtime before an early rising to Set Sail tomorrow!

A Productive-ish Week

It's been a fairly productive week in some ways. I've replaced my lost diary (left it on the plane back from Sydney), baked breakfast muffins which formed my lunch for several days which has been my lunch for the week and finished the first book (Across the Nightingale Floor) in the series I've just started to read.

Work has been good although I've clearly been spoiled by my extended break as the short 6 hour days are still getting the better of my energy levels. I came home to day and slept for a good 4.5 hours even though we finished early due to the rain!

I've been feeling a little more tired lately since my cervical cancer vaccination. Not sure if that's a side effect or if it's all in my head but I'm glad that I've only got one more shot left for the immunisation. While it seemed less painful the second time round my arm still feels bruised. It should be better just in time for me to get my implant replaced... Oh the joys of pressure bandaging.

Tomorrow is the last day of the Fairy Factor which is the great 1hr free kids show I've been working on in the Fitzroy Gardens. It's been a real pleasure watching the kids (even when they rushed the stage). There have been some amazing costumes and more pink fairies than you could poke a stick at. I've made a mental note that if I have a daughter not to dress her in a pink fairy costume, if she's into fairies, as I'd never find her in a fairy show audience. On Monday morning I'll start three days of Set Sail at the Docklands Shed 2. I'm really looking forward to that, I only hope the weather holds up a bit for the duration of the event. There's a possibility that I'll give the flying trapeze a shot next week but we'll see how that goes!

Back in Town

After a relaxing few days in Sydney and a delayed flight I'm back in Melbourne counting down the hours until the cool change sweeps through the state.

Overall I did well, returning with just one addition to my library, Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn. While the cover and Japanese themes have always grabbed my attention, I'm fascinated by the concept of a nightingale floor. Perhaps I should add that to the list of random things that might be cool to have in a house (I've been watching Grand Designs again).

Having enjoyed a few days off (it only counts as a holiday if I'm elsewhere... while I'm down in Melbourne not working it's more like unemployment or being lazy) I'm ready to tackle the grand task of sorting out my life. I'm currently considering treating that as a job in itself. It's the control freak in me really.

Anyhow, tomorrow I'm going to start my lists afresh. Set new deadlines for various bits of paperwork and generally spring clean my life and get rid of as much clutter as possible. We'll see how long the enthusiasm holds... hopefully long enough to spark the next challenge!

It's good to be back at work though, even if it's not the challenge I'm seeking, at least there's some structure to my day to keep me from languishing in the comfort zone that is Melbourne.

Three Weddings and a Park

I spent most of the day sitting in Hyde Park enjoying the sunshine and drizzle with equal pleasure. I was just grateful to have escaped the heat of Melbourne. Sadly cooler weather brings mosquitoes so I ventured into the city in search of some insect repellent and something to make the stinging go away. This just adds to the recent trend of buying practical yet contextually strange things on my outings. I bought a pair of rigging gloves on the recent beach trip.

Armed with the spray I managed to read half of Signal to Noise before the start of my shift. I ended up working on the Weddings at the Macquarie Street stage. I think they went well, but I only saw the third wedding as I spent much of the evening waiting for deliveries up the road. It was a beautiful if brief ceremony (each of the three weddings went for approximately 20 minutes) and the three couples looked happy despite the inclement weather. It was great to bump into people who I knew who were working on the festival too.

After work I caught up with Tamsin after a small delay (who'd have thought that there would be two polar cone vans in the same intersection?) and we roamed Hyde Park in search of a bar. Spiegeltent was closed for a private function so our plan had been somewhat foiled. We failed to find a bar in Hyde Park although we were sure that there was one nearby... after all it was opening night of the Festival! We trekked to Martin Place before deciding to head back to Tam's to drop off my bags and find a bar at nearby Oxford Street.

We ended up with G&Ts in hand noting that at the bar we'd stopped at people seemed to be segregated into all male or all female groups of varying sizes. There were also enough candles arranged on a shelf to inspire a funeral-esque atmosphere so we decided to move on. Not managing to find anywhere else that caught our fancy we headed back towards her apartment to make a final stop a the Irish pub which turned out to be closed. The universe seemed to be telling us it was time for bed.

This morning we got up, lazed about and then headed to a lovely little bookshop & cafe for breakfast and departed caffeinated, fast broken and armed with a book. Secondhand bookstores are a dangerous place. Throw in food and drinks and I may never leave!

I've finished reading one of the books I've brought up with me and have enjoyed an afternoon relaxing in the cool but wonderfully fine weather that seems to be gracing the city. It feels good to be somewhere different even if it still feels the same.