Happy Birthday Mum

I'm sitting here wondering what to write for Mum's birthday card. Something that not only expresses how much I love her but how incredibly lucky I feel to be her daughter. The thing is, I don't think that it's quite sunk in that she's in remission and quite possibly going to be okay. Just eight months ago, we were told that her cancer was to be incurable. We were going to have to wait and see if we could prolong her life after 18 months of treatment. I can't speak for Mum or Dad, but for me the last 8 months has passed both quickly and painfully slowly. Having looked into the general statistics for pancreatic cancer patients, the odds weren't looking good. Less than 1% of patients go into long term remission.

So here we are. Full radiological and biological remission.

Amazingly good news and funnily enough I'm still having to tell myself to just breathe.

I started to look at my posts from when we first found out that Mum had pancreatic cancer. Sure that I would find some poignant or inspired words from the time as I never shared those with Mum at the time. Reading posts from the two blogs that I write, I found myself in tears. The emotions are still raw. I suppose I've been spending the last eight months trying to live from day to day and not think, not to feel. I almost lost my Mum last year. If she'd been like many pancreatic patients then she would have most likely passed away around September. I still can't find the words to say how I feel now that the outcome is what we'd been hoping for.

It would seem that I'm still lost for words. So I think, for Mum's birthday, I'm going to say:

Happy Birthday Mum. Thank you for staying positive and fighting against the odds. Thank you for ironing my dress for me before the party even when you were tired because you knew I'd do a terrible job and take twice as long doing so. Thank you for holding me and telling me it was going to be okay when we found out you had cancer and when we found out you were in remission. You truly are an inspiration and you handle what life brings you with grace and poise. I love you. Thank you.

:)

Mum's in remission. There's no cancer left in her body.
Words cannot express how I feel right now.

:)

Dreams

I was up early this morning to drop Dad off at the station. It was nice to be able to return the favour. It was also good to get out of bed at what is a normal hour for most. Particularly as I'll be needing to be up early for work on Thursday.

The sleeping tablet worked a treat and I managed to sleep uninterrupted through the night although I was a little groggy during the day. I've been told that should pass. It was good to sleep although my dreams were fairly vivid and strangely realistic. I seem to recall a need for a new notebook but have no idea why. I figured it must have been part of my dream. What I do remember from my dreams was waking up in my grandparents' living room - where it seems I was sleeping on the floor. I had to start a new job that day and I was looking forward to it. I got dressed and then I realised that I was in the wrong clothes, I couldn't wear jeans and a t-shirt to work. I had to be in corporate attire. The casual workplace was a thing of my past and not real for me anymore. I woke up then. I felt a bit sad after that dream.

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing and I love what I do. I always have. I suppose I worry that I'm getting lost at the moment.

Too much time on my hands. Too much thinking.

I wonder what tonight's dreams will bring

Playing Catch Up

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote and although I've been meaning to write (and have often gotten as far as opening up the "create post" page), I just haven't found the words. I'm feeling a little despondent at the moment. Well, more than a little. Nick mentioned the Korean term Han to me yesterday and I think that combined with an overwhelming sense of ennui would be an apt description of how I'm feeling.

Anyhow. It's been a couple of weeks and since then Mum's come out of hospital and is going for a PET scan today to make sure that there's no cancer left. She has to go to a hospital in Moorabin for the scan.

Moorabin is where I flew a helicopter last Monday. (What a segue way!) Which was amazingly fun and I'd really like to do it again some time. Perhaps when I've stopped working in the crazy profession that I seem to have chosen? Who knows, but I was lucky enough to have a great instructor who took me up to the training airspace and once I was a little less wobbly with the controls he directed me from Carrum back towards Melbourne's CBD along the beach en route to the airport. Many thanks to Lisa & Dave for the opportunity to fly!

Stepping back a week, I finished up work on Summer Fun in the City with Set Sail which was a great three day event where people could book in for free sailing lessons. There's nothing quite as special as seeing a nervous five year old come back from the water all excited because they sailed a small two person boat! We were even lucky enough to try it out after the last group on the Wednesday. A perfect time to be sailing as some of the Sydney to Hobart yachts were still moored down at the Docklands.

A brief trip to Sydney to say hi to Tamsin at the opening night of Carmen and generally get away from Melbourne for a couple of days and I was back to watch the ladies finals of the Australian Open. Good grief it was hot! Good match though and there's nothing quite like the atmosphere in a stadium - or talking to the random people sitting next to you. I really should see more live entertainment...

Our family were down for the weekend and while I had every intention of taking my cousins to check out Australia Day celebrations we settled for Sing Star instead. Did I mention I should see more live entertainment...?

Which brings me back to the week that's just passed. Not much else to report. Had a small operation to remove and replace the implant in my left arm. I'm rather pathetic when it comes to needles and the local anaesthetic hurt more than the scalpel going in (and that was before we had to reapply the anaesthtic which for some reason hadn't taken).

Sunday was Dad's birthday so we had a feast at our place. Roast beef for 11, one baked fish (with lime and ginger), many many roasted veggies, a freshly baked loaf of bread and a sweet potato & green bean salad (with sweet chilli & balsamic vinegar dressing). Dessert was a stack of profiteroles (Dad's new favourite baked good) and a plum & nectarine crumble (made from the fruits from our backyard!). Given the number of profiteroles and cake that I've eaten in the last two days I should really stop writing and go for a VERY long walk.

Besides, it may help me sleep and perhaps think less... which would be nice. :)